The Beginning of the End

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When I thought of my life outside of my girls…it felt scary.  I was living a pretend life.  To the public and to our friends, we had everything.  Inside, I had nothing.  Empty.  Blank.  Painful.  For a very long time.

I was lonely.  I was sad and broken.

In my heart, I know that I tried to make my marriage work.  God, did I try.  I begged and pleaded for couples counseling.  Finally, in September of 2008, I took “him” to dinner and I explained where I was: I’m not in love.  I am scared.  I can’t do this anymore.  I want out.  He panicked.  I was serious this time and he knew it.  I was so alone and desperate that I swore to him that I would have an affair if someone merely HUGGED me.

We started couples counseling the next week.  I was hopeful and willing to throw everything into making our marriage work.  Four months later, he walked out of counseling while waiving the white flag.  I was also done.  I was exhausted.

At the same time, our world was crumbling around us.  I was in the dark about our finances for years and there was debt that would make your head spin.  Some of it I knew about but much of it felt like complete and utter betrayal.  I uncovered lies and deception– lies to banks, he spent his parent’s retirement savings and he conned his younger brother out of almost $100,000.  I didn’t know who he was.

We actually shared the same home– on the weekends, I stayed in the bedroom and he stayed on the couch.  This went on for months.  We co-existed under the same roof…nothing in writing and nothing formal.

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