The Sympathy Card

Standard

I recently received a sympathy card from a dear friend.  It was a sympathy card for my loss.  The loss of my marriage.  It was probably one of the most touching cards that I have ever received but nonetheless, it was a sympathy card.  At first, it struck me as odd but the more I think about it…it was completely appropriate.

Today I was jogging which I do about three days per week.  I place my daughters in the jogging stroller clad in their little pajamas with breakfast in hand…and I run.  I run away from the world and I think.  I put my IPOD in and I explain to the girls that this is “mommy time”.  I process my current reality: the divorce, the loss of my home and the loss of the life that I once knew.  I think of happy things and I plan for my future.  I make mental notes and I think of the things that I am grateful for.  My jogs are my time to focus and prepare for whatever the day will throw my way.

Today was different.  I normally run at the Cal Poly Campus which has been quite and serene all summer.  Today was bustling with incoming freshman and their parents.  I ran past moms who were walking and laughing with their daughters…we shared the smile that only mothers can share.  I could almost see a tear forming with the smile as the mothers looked at my young daughters…and it was an unspoken message from them to me: time flies quickly…enjoy it.

I ran past parents who were walking their teenagers to their dorms and I sense of sadness washed over me.  This time the tear was in my eye.  There were actually many tears in my eyes as I ran.  The reality of the impending divorce hit me like a ton of bricks.  Am I robbing my daughters of this experience? The experience of walking hand in hand with two parents to their dorm rooms on the first day of college.  I felt more grief as I ran past these glowing families than I did on the day I decided to leave.  Reality set in.  My family is broken.  Today it hit me.  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I felt guilt like I have never felt before.

I continued running with more momentum and an urgency to be free of the college campus…and the happy families.  I ran for about a mile and then slowed down to catch my breath.  I remembered the sadness in my marriage for so many years and the sense of despair that I felt.  I remembered the tension and the arguments.  I remembered the loneliness.  I remembered questioning myself daily for four years: how could I be married but completely alone in every sense of the word?  I cried and I allowed myself to feel the loss.  I allowed myself to grieve for my failed marriage but I also let go of the guilt in that moment.

I stopped running and I sat on a curb.  Cars flew by us one after another and my daughter asked me why I was crying…I was crying because I knew that I made the right decision.  I know that there will be times when I doubt myself and there will be happy families that cause my chest to tighten and tears to flow…but I know that I am on the right path.  I feel sympathy for the loss of my marriage and the vows that I spoke almost 8 years ago.  I feel sympathy for my daughters and the loss of their family.  I feel sympathy but i know in my heart that I made the right decision…and that we will be ok.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s