Trying to Find Balance Amidst the Chaos


It is difficult to find balance when you are operating in survival mode.  For three years, this (court battle) is all I’ve known.  In many ways, it feels like a blur.  One thing that I struggle with is trying to maintain a support system but walking the very fine line of not overwhelming those in my corner.  There is only so much “divorce talk” and “X references” that a person can handle.

Being in a high-conflict divorce is hard for most people to understand.  While divorce in general isn’t pretty, there is a difference.  Most people are mature enough and emotionally sound enough to put the needs of the children first.  When you are dealing with a narcissistic personality, all common sense and rationale goes out the window.  The healthy parent is forced into a battle zone to protect the children.  The battle leaves scars.  Most people can’t understand why two parents can’t just put their differences aside for the sake of the children.

I think back to Christie Brinkley on the Today Show and I sympathize so much with where she was in that exact moment.  I’ve been there.  How do you summarize the sheer insanity of this situation in a few sentences?  Where do you even start?  How do you brief someone on the amount of craziness that can transpire in one month let alone sum the whole thing up?  It seems never ending.  Sometimes I feel like a tennis player with the automatic ball-thrower-thingy (technical terms, I know) pitching ball after ball at me.  I can keep swinging but after a while, it gets to be too much.

The people that I love have also been beaten down by this battle and for that, I feel horrible.  No matter how much love there is, hearing about it and living it daily (or almost daily) wears everyone down.  There are good days and bad days.  There are so many people in this battle who deserve credit for being in my corner.  I appreciate them tremendously but at the same time, I wish there was a way to shelter them from the reality of it all.  It’s my life and my reality.  I hope and pray that it calms down someday– for everyone’s sake.


3 responses »

  1. I hear you and I can sympathize.

    Yesterday, my husband announced to me at 2 pm that he was not bringing our daughter back from her ***out of state*** trip at 6 pm when his visitation ended. He *planned* to bring her back at least 3 hours late (9 pm or later, on a school night–she is 6 years old and in kindergarden). Meanwhile, he doesn’t seem to feel any remorse that my ESP never got the message.

    I’ve been going through my emails, putting together a detailed account of the course of events.

    I found one email where he actually acknowledges he has “serious” anger issues and “problems” with lying. Does that sound like a textbook definition of NPD, or what? I ask you.

    I have a co-worker who is finishing up graduate school for criminal justice. What she told me was that if I called the cops yesterday at 2 pm, not only would the police not have considered it frivolous, at minimum he would have been arrested for kidnapping and the DA would have considered bringing an indictment. Just based on that behavior alone.

    Never mind the verbal and physical threats and intimidation.

    Meanwhile, he thinks the damage to his relationship with his daughter is due to me talking about him in front of her. It couldn’t possibly be because of his own behavior? It has to be my fault somehow. I’m going: “Do you know how many times V— has heard me say ‘let me step out of the room’?” Even before I step out of the room, our daughter is playing something with headphones; I don’t say this kind of stuff in front of her. I gave up moving back to the state my family lives in (several states away) because I want so badly for her to have a relationship with her father.

    But once again, it must be me at fault. It couldn’t possibly be that his actions have consequences–it must be someone else doing it “to” him.

  2. You might want to consider therapy. I remember going through this. I remember wondering just how long I was going to be angry, just how long this mourning process would go on. Just taking the hour a week to cry, to yell, to feel everything did wonders for me. I’ll warn you, I’d be exhausted after a session for a while, but eventually, I felt everything less.

    • April– thanks. Yes, I am in therapy. I am past the anger stage– the blog helped with that. Write, release…breathe. 99% of the time, I am in a pretty good place. It’s those “off days” and the days when I can tell my loved ones are maxed out on what they can take.

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