It is difficult to find balance when you are operating in survival mode. For three years, this (court battle) is all I’ve known. In many ways, it feels like a blur. One thing that I struggle with is trying to maintain a support system but walking the very fine line of not overwhelming those in my corner. There is only so much “divorce talk” and “X references” that a person can handle.
Being in a high-conflict divorce is hard for most people to understand. While divorce in general isn’t pretty, there is a difference. Most people are mature enough and emotionally sound enough to put the needs of the children first. When you are dealing with a narcissistic personality, all common sense and rationale goes out the window. The healthy parent is forced into a battle zone to protect the children. The battle leaves scars. Most people can’t understand why two parents can’t just put their differences aside for the sake of the children.
I think back to Christie Brinkley on the Today Show and I sympathize so much with where she was in that exact moment. I’ve been there. How do you summarize the sheer insanity of this situation in a few sentences? Where do you even start? How do you brief someone on the amount of craziness that can transpire in one month let alone sum the whole thing up? It seems never ending. Sometimes I feel like a tennis player with the automatic ball-thrower-thingy (technical terms, I know) pitching ball after ball at me. I can keep swinging but after a while, it gets to be too much.
The people that I love have also been beaten down by this battle and for that, I feel horrible. No matter how much love there is, hearing about it and living it daily (or almost daily) wears everyone down. There are good days and bad days. There are so many people in this battle who deserve credit for being in my corner. I appreciate them tremendously but at the same time, I wish there was a way to shelter them from the reality of it all. It’s my life and my reality. I hope and pray that it calms down someday– for everyone’s sake.