One Sunday morning, we were at a local Starbucks Coffee Shop where my X spent much of his time. There was an older gentleman there that particular morning who my X frequently conversed with over coffee.
The gentleman said to me, “You have to make him stop focusing on this ‘blueprint’ life that he has in his head. That’s no way to live“. It left me thinking — he did have a blueprint life and deviating from it never went well. He wasn’t able to “roll with the punches” if something went against his plan; he would become angry and bitter. It was never his fault– there was always someone else to blame.
Becoming parents wasn’t part of our original plan. It didn’t fit into his blueprint life. I was okay with that because I didn’t have raging maternal instincts.
I remember driving through town one afternoon and feeling extremely car sick which wasn’t normal for me. I had a gut feeling that I could be pregnant. I went and bought a test but I didn’t dare tell him. I wouldn’t be able to form the sentence while looking him in the eyes because I knew how angry he would be.
I took the test in our master bathroom and it didn’t take 2 minutes…or 3 minutes…or whatever the box claimed it would take. It took 5 seconds flat. Positive. It was positive. I was pregnant. I stood there looking at the test. I took another test. Pregnant.
A rush of emotions filled my head and body. I couldn’t imagine telling him this news. How was I going to tell him that I was pregnant? This wasn’t part of the blueprint. This wasn’t what he wanted. I walked out of the bathroom and I was crying. I wanted him to grab me and hold me. I wanted to hear that it was okay and that everything was going to be fine.
I wanted him to say, “I love you, Tina! Everything will be okay!”.
He didn’t do any of those things. He stared at me for what felt like eternity. He had “the look” that scared me– quite, hidden rage. He turned and walked out of our bedroom. He walked down the stairs and out the door without saying a single word to me. He was gone before I could stop him.
I got into my car and I was hysterical. I started driving but I didn’t know where I was going. I called my aunt and she calmed me down. She told me all of the things that I needed to hear from my husband. She told me that she loved me and that everything was going to be okay. I quietly started my drive back home and I was emotionally drained. I went home to an empty house and I stayed alone in an empty house for the rest of the day.
He went on a run– a very long run. He went on a thirteen mile run because that’s how he copes with things when the blueprint goes awry. He re-appeared that evening and barely spoke to me. Things were quiet and uncomfortable for days. After about a week of silence, he took me to dinner and handed me a fancy, expensive video camera. That was his second way to cope– he spent money. As he handed me the video camera, he muttered, “I guess you will need this now”.
I went through my pregnancy alone. I joined an online pregnancy forum and I formed friendships with a group of women who were all pregnant. They were my support system for nine months. I sat back and I read the stories of how excited their husbands were. I watched in quiet envy as they told stories of going in together to hear the heartbeat or to have an ultrasound. I couldn’t reach out to our friends because I didn’t have real friendships– we lived a facade. In the local community, we were the glowing parents-to-be and he played that role so well.
In public, he was so excited to be a dad. In private, there was silence and a lot of it. I screwed up his blueprint life.